What Was It Like?
by PagetFan
Summary: A curious questions leads Prentiss and Morgan to have a quick heart to heart on the way to a witness interview. Spoilers for 'Valhalla' 'Lauren' 'it takes a village' and kind of 'proof' in a really vague and round about way.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds, I just took a bit of inspiration and ran with it.

Spoiler alerts: references 'Valhalla', 'Lauren', 'It takes a village', and very vaguely sort of refers to a scene in 'proof'.

Set somewhere in season 7 shortly after Emily's return.

'What was it like?'

The question was one Emily had been expecting, though not from him, she knew exactly what Derek was referring to yet found herself asking:

'what was what like?'

'Being with Ian Doyle.' she could detect no anger or judgment in his words nor his body language as she studied him silently. His hands casually gripped the wheel of their government issue SUV and his eyes stayed on the road without any indication he was avoiding her gaze or being anything other than a careful and attentive driver.

Her own eyes followed his to the winding road in front of them, wondering if it wouldn't be best to let the rolling highway markings hypnotize her and pretend she hadn't heard his answer. She'd been expecting this question from a snoopy Garcia, maybe even a sympathetic JJ or a curious Rossi who had been a casual confidant before Ian Doyle.

Emily tried to keep her face stoic as she cursed the big obnoxious line drawn down the center of her life, everything falling into one of two categories. Before Ian Doyle and after. Before she could have let something flippant and teasing slip off her tongue by way of not-so-subtley telling Derek Morgan that if he wanted to know about her sex life so badly he'd have to step up and claim a place in it.

It was an intricate dance they'd been doing; starting slowly and lightly with the story of a bad date, spilt coffee and the first genuine smile she'd ever gotten from him bonding over a favourite author. It had continued into hot an heavy innuendo, a close partnership and deep friendship. It should have ended with his strong hand grasping hers as her life bled out onto a warehouse floor in Boston, the curtain closing on a forlorn story of unrequited lust because to Emily everything after felt awkward and forced.

His throat clearing brought her out of her dramatic mind and back to the SUV winding down a mountain road and hopefully headed a step closer to finding a missing girl. After Ian Doyle she felt like she owed him an answer, even if she wished she could just focus on the case at hand.

'I don't really know how to answer that' she said finally, apologetically. 'it was like being a fly on the wall, like I wasn't really there' she tried. 'and yet Lauren Reynolds WAS me and I was her. I saw what she saw and felt what she felt.' Another moment passed and she saw Derek glance at her but stay quiet knowing she wasn't finished. 'She was in love with Ian' Emily said finally, the closest she'd come to admitting that it wasn't all an act, that even as Ian Doyle drove that broken table leg into her he had looked at her with regret and love and it had made her fading breath come a little quicker, her heart pound a little harder. And later on a freezing tarmac as she held the shaking body of his terrified child, watching Ian's eyes grow dull and lifeless had broken a small piece of her heart.

'I once offered to get him out' while her admission of love had not surprised him this seemed to. 'he wanted me to be a mother to Declan, for us all to be a family and in that moment part of me stopped trying to take him down and started trying to change him. That's when I knew I was in too deep. I should have asked for extraction, but I had a job to do and the part of me that was still me couldn't live with what I'd already done if I didn't finish the job. I needed it all to be worth it.'

She stopped then, turning her gaze out the passenger window to show that she was finished speaking. Her face burned with shame. She'd told him more than she'd meant to.

'Is that why you couldn't tell me what was going on? You were ashamed?' she was surprised to feel tears suddenly on her cheeks as she nodded slowly, still watching rock and trees fly past her window. 'I was angry with you when we realized you'd left.' he told her quietly. 'You were Lauren Reynolds and this guy was after you and you just ran. You didn't trust me.' Emily kept quiet, trying desperately to keep her breath from shuttering and willing her eyes to suck her tears back in.

She'd known before it even happened that his first reaction would be anger, followed closely by betrayal, then undoubtedly guilt. But hearing him say it stung her. Through tears she saw the highway sign signaling their exit ramp was coming up. The sight of it seemed to spur Derek onward, they both knew that if not finished now the likelihood of ever seeing the end of this conversation was small.

'I realized shortly after JJ told us the details of the Valhalla file and your assignment why you hadn't told me. Rossi called me out while we were searching your apartment. I was standing their in your bedroom breathing in your scent and all I could think was that this monster knew what it was like to make love to you, and I didn't.' his confession caused his knuckles to lighten as his hands tightened against the steering wheel, finally showing the emotions coursing under the surface. 'I knew then that you didn't tell me because you knew I'd act like a jealous cave man and put myself in harms way. It didn't take me long after that to accept that you'd done what you had to to protect us.'

To Emily this sounded an awful lot like forgiveness but she wasn't sure it was meant as such. He'd told her he wasn't angry, that he was just happy she was back. In the field they had easily fallen back into step as partners but on a personal level things were still strained, and it wasn't about to get any less tense now that he'd planted the mental image of them making love together. Those words fell from his lips and landed heavily in her gut and left her somewhat dumbfounded.

'I am sorry' she whispered for what felt like the millionth time since her resurrection. His bald head nodded lightly and he flashed a small comforting smile her way.

'do you want me to stop for a minute? We can collect ourselves before talking to this witness.' she let a puff of air past her lips in a thankful sort of sigh and nodded. Derek pulled easily over to the shoulder of the road just after their exit and rummaged behind his seat for a moment to produce two bottles of water.

'So... You and Rossi got to toss my bedroom huh?' she asked with a chuckle before bringing the cool water to her mouth. 'find anything interesting besides what I left for you to find?' she was trying to lighten the mood, to ease them back into some of the friendly banter they'd enjoyed before Ian Doyle but the site of dark blush making it's way from his ears to his cheeks made her wonder if that was the best step considering the tension Derek had brought up. She smiled anyways, wide and toothy, liking the way his blush added to the coiling heat in her belly. 'what?' she pushed, eyes sparkling. Derek groaned.

'nothing' he started then saw her eyebrows raise in silent _yeah right._ 'it's just that, with all the flirting and innuendo and pretending we don't notice the really serious and intesnse chemistry between us it would be much easier for me to stay at least somewhat professional if I didn't know what kind of underwear you like to wear.' it was her turn to blush and she cursed his dark skin because at least his wasn't so obvious as the red moving over her alabaster face and across her lightly freckled chest. she shifted slightly, gulped another mouthful of water then cleared her throat.

'according to the GPS you should take the next left, looks like the place we're looking for is just around the corner of that intersection up there.' Derek looked triumphant at her abrupt change of subject as he started the SUV back up and pulled into traffic.

So I have an idea for a second part to this story but I am not sure if I want to persue it. I kind of feel like this piece stands alone quite well as a cute little onshot... what do you think?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds; I just took a bit of inspiration and ran with it.

Spoiler alerts: references 'Valhalla', 'Lauren', 'It takes a village', and 'proof'.

NOTE: I have changed the rating of this story to *M*. Reader discretion is advised.

ALSO NOTE: This chapter is like double the length of the last one. sorry about that.

ALSO ALSO NOTE: I have started another DEMILY fic and am excited to share it, I'll be looking at the feedback from this story to guide me, so please take the time to review if you can!

Set somewhere in season 7 shortly after Emily's return.

'so what was it like?'

If Derek was shocked to hear his question from their rather intimate conversation the day before thrown back at him he didn't show it. Only smiled at Emily and asked:

'what was what like?'

'My funeral' he had expected her to be curious about it but he had assumed she would keep her curiosity at bay so as not to poor salt in the wounds she had left with her actions. Emily, more than anyone else, seemed determined to forget the whole ordeal altogether.

'It was...' his voice trailed off and he watched her playing with her drink sitting untouched on the bar in front of them. It was late, they'd found the girl they were looking for and the UnSub responsible for her disappearance. It had been a good day, but a long one and Hotch had ordered a night of rest before heading back to Quantico in the morning. 'As funerals go it was nice I guess' he finished lamely. Emily flashed him an ironic smile.

'You carried my casket' when she'd pointed this out the first time it had been out of concern. He had grieved for her and then there she was wide eyed and apologizing, very much alive. This time it was as if she was reminding herself.

'Yes I did' no jokes this time. Their work was finished for tonight and with the exception of what looked to be a disappointed sports team drowning their sorrows across the bar they were the only ones around.

'Thank you.' She whispered. Derek smiled again and signaled the bartender that he was ready for his second beer.

'It seemed like the least I could do' he told her honestly. 'I didn't think I'd gotten there for you fast enough at the warehouse. I wanted to at least make sure you got to your resting place safely.' Still Emily's drink sat untouched, the ice melting slowly into it.

'I asked you to let me go' she reminded him. 'Even if I had really died that night it wouldn't have been your fault.'

Derek was fairly certain that she could tell him this a thousand different ways every day for a thousand days and he still wouldn't believe her. He remembers telling her how proud he was of her, remembers how the slick warm blood seeping from her body had made him feel ten years old again; staring at his father's lifeless face and begging God to give him just one minute, just a small moment to say the things he had forgotten to say on his father's last day. The words were the same the day of his father's death as they were on Emily's. I love you, I am sorry.

'Why did you ask me to let you go?' Emily shrugged without looking up at him.

'Surviving wasn't part of the plan.' she told him. Derek sighed heavily then reached over to her his hand coming down heavily on her thigh. He hadn't meant to touch her in such an intimate way, he'd been aiming for her arm but his hand seemed to be moving of it's own accord and Emily seemed to be allowing it.

'Well I am glad you did' he breathed. He left his hand on her as he took a swig of the fresh beer in front of him. He could feel Emily slowly relaxing under his touch and tried not to show on his face how much he liked that she hadn't torn his arm off yet, or taken any scathing shots at his ego.

'Ian Doyle wasn't a sociopath' she said suddenly. Her voice surprisingly strong considering its previous hesitance. Derek couldn't keep the disbelieving look from his face. 'He was a violent man, a narcissist. He didn't care who he sold guns to or what child soldier would use them to kill who. But he felt things much more deeply than anyone ever gave him credit for'

'Did he ever hurt you?' Derek asked quietly, his fingers rubbing against her leg softly. A comforting gesture that sent fire to her nerves that raced to the end of her toes. Emily shook her head.

'No' she answered firmly. 'Never, not back then' Derek thought that this information should have relieved him somehow but it didn't. 'But even though I only ever knew him to be loving towards me I was terrified.' she admitted. 'in all the time I was under I never witnessed anyone cross him and live to tell about it, I knew that if he ever found out who I really was I'd be dead. So I forgot myself and everyone I knew as best I could to protect them from being found out. I became Lauren Reynolds'

'So what did you do when Lauren Reynolds was killed in that car accident? Was it hard to get back to your life?' Derek asked, truly curious. He could feel her tense beneath his hand, she pushed her drink away roughly, the amber liquid escaping over the rim and pooling on the sticky bar.

'I don't know why I ordered this' Emily changed the subject. 'I don't want it.' she explained. Derek remembered her mention that she'd had ulcers develop from the stress of her time away. Alcohol and ulcers didn't sound like a fun combination to him either. He knew that he drink had been an excuse to join him, an attempt to recapture their friendship and mend the bridges between them. Hence he hadn't expected this avoidance. She'd been more than willing to be candid with him and it hadn't occurred to him he may overstep.

'well I am pretty much done here too' he kicked himself a moment later when she moved to get up leaving his hand cold and empty. They had been getting somewhere, back to friendship maybe but he hoped something more. Now the walls were flying back up around her, the drawbridge rising to deny him entrance. He downed the rest of his beer then looked towards the door. His eyebrows shot up as he realized that she wasn't running. She was standing close to his bar stool with an expectant look on her face.

'Walk me back to my room?' she asked. He only nodded dumbly wondering if the edge in her voice was all in his head. Before he could loose his nerve his hand shot out and wrapped itself around hers.

'Of course' His smile grew more confident when she didn't pull away.

The walk back was quiet and uneventful and Derek was happy that they hadn't passed anyone else on the way up. His hand gripped hers so tightly that he's sure it would have been impossible for him to let go, having one of the other profilers catch them with their fingers thread so intimately when neither of them was dying would spook them both away from whatever this was.

Had they been caught in the hallway whatever this was certainly wouldn't have resulted in the heated kiss Derek suddenly found himself in. He doesn't remember any conversations outside Emily's door nor Emily keying it open and inviting him in. He also doesn't remember going to sleep, but pressing her back into the wall and feeling her body melt to his as her lips and tongue worked feverishly at his mouth was more vivid than any dream he'd had so he figured it must be real.

Finally they broke apart for air and he could feel Emily's chest heaving against his, in time with his own breaths. Her dark eyes made darker with desire and the smile she gave him nearly caused his heart to pound its way straight out of his chest. He tried to think of something to say, something charming and sexy to let her know how much this meant to him but the right words just wouldn't form so his mouth sought her out again. This time the delicate creamy white skin if her neck fell pray to his seeking mouth. The spice of her perfume assaulted him. One of his hands braced against the door while the other brushed along her chest to claim a breast drawing out a breathy gasp which spurned him onto the buttons of her blouse.

As the silky fabric started to give way he felt her tense again. Reluctantly he pulled his lips from her skin and looked up to find her eyes closed to him, her head tilted back against the door.

'I am sorry' he forced out gruffly. 'If you've changed your mind I can respect that but damn it, Emily, at this point I wouldn't be happy about it.' this brought a chuckle from her but still her eyes remained closed and her body tense.

'I do want this Derek.' she smiled. 'I want you' she clarified huskily. 'but I don't know if I am ready'' her voice was so low that had Derek not been so close, pressed against her so firmly, he wouldn't have heard. She pushed him back lightly but grabbed his hand. Putting distance between them while reassuring him that she didn't want him to leave.

'What's holding you back?' he asked gently. Emily pulled her shirt closed but didn't button it, simply held the fabric closed while worrying the silky edges with her fingers.

'After Lauren Reynolds died in that car accident I came back to the US. I went to work hiding Declan and applied to the FBI.' Derek shrugged and looked confused.

'And?' he prompted. Emily took a deep but shaky breath.

'And that's It.' she shrugged. 'I thought that hearing my own name and wearing my own clothes and living my own life would be this huge shift. But it didn't feel much different then living Lauren Reynolds's life.' still grasping his hand in hers she moved to the bed. Pulling him to sit beside her. 'When you go undercover, you lie a lot at first. You try not to make too much up; you don't want to get confused but in order to make it believable you have to throw yourself in. But eventually the lies fade out; once you're in long enough you don't need to lie about where you were last Christmas because you really were in Paris spending a romantic weekend with a terrorist. Last week you really were making an arms deal with a Korean gang.' Emily picked at her fingernails as she told him this and Derek couldn't help but wonder where she was going with this. 'I didn't expect it to be the same way with Emily Prentiss' she finally concluded. 'It never occurred to me that I would need to lie away years of service, years of my life that changed me irrevocably. I had my own name and my own clothes and my own life but it was still all a lie.'

'I never could imagine you working a desk in St. Louis.' he told her earning him a sad chuckle.

'I'd never even been to St. Louis before I came to the BAU' she confessed. 'I'd also never watched American football before that Super Bowl party, and I don't actually have any memories of my grandfather's cabin in the French Alps because he died when I was very young' she added.

'Next you'll tell me you're not a Vonnegut fan?' Emily smiled a little but the blush creeping along her cheeks made him pause. 'Emily?'

'No I am, but there was no date, well there was, kind of.' she sighed and looked away from him, starting over. 'I saw a copy of the book in your brief case so I used a story from a bad date I had in collage to bond with you over It.' she shrugged. 'I made things up, I lied and lied and tried not to get confused. I jumped right into the roll of Emily Prentiss to make it believable. But I have no idea who Emily Prentiss actually is.' she told him. Staring dumbly at the hotel walls around her, focusing anywhere but him. 'If we do this tonight and maybe again tomorrow or the day after that... If this becomes what I think we both want, I am afraid that I won't be what you expected.'

Derek's hold on her hand tightened as he ran the other over his face with a sigh. 'To tell you the truth I don't really know what to expect.' Emily nodded sadly. 'But I can tell you that I don't expect anything you're not willing to give. I want to get to know you again, Emily; in whatever capacity you'll let me in. All I ask is that you be honest with me.'

They fell silent for a long time. Long enough for them to rearrange themselves, lying comfortably side by side on the bed. Derek had never been so unsure about where he stood with a woman but Emily hadn't kicked him out, so he was hanging onto the hope that their heart to hearts would eventually lead to something more solid. For now it looked like a quiet, if not entirely non-platonic night was ahead of them until he felt Emily moving beside him. With ease she rolled over, swinging her leg over his to straddle his hips. She sat up. Her fingers running over his chest while she looked him in the eye.

'I still don't know how this is going to go, what you'll think of me or if I can even pull something like this off. But I want to try.' she told him. 'I can give you honesty with one exception' Derek's eyes furrowed in frustration but he said nothing, nodding for her to continue. 'The Valhalla case wasn't my only assignment with the CIA.' she rushed. 'I worked with the agency for 5 years; I was on loan to Interpol for 3 of those. We completed 3 heavily classified assignments in those 3 years.' Again Derek's face clouded but Emily saw where his mind was going and assured him quickly. 'Ian Doyle was the only target I got... Close to... But the bottom line is that I can't give you details, I don't want to talk about my time there. But I don't want to lie to you about it either, Derek, so can you agree not to ask?'

'Ok' Derek agreed after a few moments of thought. He was relieved to hear her assurance that Doyle was the only assignment of that kind, but he couldn't help but wonder what else the government had asked her to give of herself. Emily looked puzzled by his seemingly easy answer.

'Ok? That's it?' she asked.

'Yep' he affirmed. Using her confusion for a distraction he flipped her onto her back and hovered over her. His lips brushing hers as he spoke. 'I figure having a lover with license to kill could be pretty sexy.'

He kissed her then, swallowing her laughter but not stopping her eyes from rolling at his antics. Hands roaming over each other, their breaths heaving together, Derek took up his progress on her shirt. He groaned as his hands were rewarded with soft white skin and his ears rewarded by Emily's soft moan.

She clawed at his lower back, fisting the fabric of his shirt and pulling it up, finger tips questing for skin of their own. Derek moved away and allowed her to pull his shirt off before honing his lips back onto her neck moving down to the valley of her bra-clad breasts where he stopped short. To her credit, though her mind was screaming at her to run, Emily stayed still and exposed to Derek's gaze fixed painfully on the raised clover scar on her breast.

'I thought you knew' she whispered. Derek cleared his throat and when she looked down at him she could see tears in his eyes.

'No' he breathed. 'it wasn't in the report' JJ, Maybe Hotch, must have left out that detail to protect the team, or maybe her. Guilt flooded through Derek again, just as fast and fierce as it had the day JJ told them Emily hadn't made it off the table. The bastard had branded her. A true narcissist, Ian Doyle had made damn sure that every man who followed would know he had preceded them. With a quiet sob he lowered his lips to the brand, pressing a firm kiss to its centre. 'I am so sorry, Emily.'

'I know' Emily said, pulling his face back up to meet hers. 'But it's not your fault. You saved my life.' she kissed him again, the raging fire of their earlier meetings replaced with a sweet slow smoldering kiss that conveyed all of the guilt, sorrow and need of the last half a year or so. They savored each other as clothing was shed, kissing and caressing every available inch of the other.

'You're so fucking beautiful' Derek told her some time later as he watched her head tip back in pleasure, his fingers stroking her wet folds. 'I can't believe I waited this long. You're every bit as amazing as I could have dreamed.' this brought Emily's heavily lids up so she could look at him with hooded bedroom eyes.

'You dreamed about this?' she teased with a moan.

'You didn't?' he threw back before lowering himself so his lips and tongue could meet his fingers at her core. He hummed his appreciation of her scent and taste sending shivers up Emily's spine. She pulled at him, trying to bring him away from his efforts but he sucked hard at her and brushed his teeth across her in warning.

'I did dream of this' she moaned. 'but in my dreams I always came with you in me, I want to come with you...' another moan ripped through her as Derek gave one last thrust of his fingers and tongue and allowed her to guide him up her body to meet his lips in a furious kiss.

'Alright princess.' he smiled cockily. 'But I want you on top. I want to watch you come undone around me.' with ease he flipped them so she was again sitting astride his hips, her warm wet center hovering over him. With one last kiss Emily sat up so that he could see her pushing down onto him, taking in every inch and savoring the feeling, sheathing him fully with a deep groan.

'I am not gonna last long' she cried as she started to ride him.

'It's ok' he moaned, his hands smoothing over her back and thighs. 'Me either' he couldn't remember ever feeling like this, he's pretty sure he'd lasted longer even his first time with a woman but Emily felt so right and sounded just as close to the edge as he was. He flicked a thumb over her where they were joined and watched the pleasure tense her body and flow across her face.

Derek Morgan, for only the second time in his adult life, found himself praying. Emily's movements became jerky and she cried his name with abandon while Derek watched her breathlessly, thanking God for bringing her back to him and giving him a second chance.

Derek fell over the edge not far behind Emily, his fingers gripping her hips so hard they would surely leave marks. Her name ripped from his mouth with a sob. Panting he moved his hands up her back and pulled her to him, taking her weight on his chest and wrapping his arms around her. God had given him a second chance and he swore silently that he would not waste it. The road ahead was far from smooth, both Emily and Derek having a lot of work ahead of them to heal, but he knew as surely as his own name that they could get through it together.

'So, I guess this means you're ready now' he asked with a deep chuckle which Emily returned sleepily.

'I decided to just jump in. I mean, can you ever really be ready for love?' she answered seriously, tracing her fingers along his chest and she listened to the beating of his heart under her ear.

'Oh, so this is love is it?' he teased lightly; she slapped his arm playfully and looked up at him.

'I think it is, you gotta problem with that?' she asked. Her tone joking but her eyes seemed to plead with him to tread softly, to not let her down.

'Of coarse not' he said with a light kiss on her forehead. 'I love you too, Emily Prentiss'

END


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